By Stephanie Vasile

Ladies…I understand that all of you have your own fantasies and desires, but please hear me out. Stop looking at book/movie series for what your relationship should be like, especially the trilogy 50 Shades of Grey.

This book/movie may seem like what you want in a relationship/sex life, but in reality it normalizes sexual abuse, eroticizing crossing boundaries of consent and sexual/domestic abuse.

“When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana's quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.” (Fifty Shades of Grey, E.L. James, p. 1)

Yes, we all know that the world fell head over heels for the dashing and handsome Christian Grey, but what young women don’t realize is that this book isn’t all romantic walks on the beach and pledging of eternal love. No, this book cultivates and normalizes rape myths, psychological grooming and sexual violence. How on earth is this sexy to people?—I couldn’t tell you! Go watch a Hallmark movie!

This trilogy shows a wealthy and dominant businessman, Christian Grey, as he meets a young Anastasia Steele. Anastasia, I want to point out, is a virginal college student Christian takes full advantage of: she is young, naive, and is sucked into the lifestyle of BDSM—or, I should say, sexual sadism and violent sex. This relationship that the characters form, considered in the “real world” (outside this sick “fantasy”) is abusive and is domestic violence.

In the very beginning of their relationship, Christian wants to put her under a sexual contract to serve as a sexual “submissive”. In this contract, he basically uses intimidation, coercion, humiliation, violence, stalking, manipulation, jealousy and other controlling behaviors to groom Anastasia and keep her under his control/domination. Throughout the first installment of the trilogy, the helpless Anastasia is constantly isolated from family and friends, threatened, humiliated and manipulated through emotional and physical abuse. Yet, she always comes back to Christian because she thinks her love and touch will save and change him. This isn’t okay—because it shows young girls and women that you can be treated poorly but still stay because you think you’ll be able to “fix” the person.

As this first book progresses, Anastasia—who originally feared and was disturbed by Christian’s controlling behaviors and dark sexual desires—gradually becomes completely numb to his harsh treatment and falls madly in love with him. If these aren't signs and red flags of an abusive relationship, I don’t know what is! The sad part of this trilogy’s franchise is that it wants to promote this erotic fantasy love affair and erotic sex— but in reality, it’s about a young, helpless girl in the world being groomed in a cycle of abuse, violence and sadistic sex.

In my own opinion, with this trilogy, at first I was subjected to being obsessed with the idea that this is what love and sex should look like. I was in high school when I first read and watched the first part of the trilogy. I thought that’s what I wanted in a man: someone who can control my every thought and move, someone who would “take care of me like Christian takes care of Anastasia” (you would have thought I was nuts!). However, as I hit my Junior year of college I fell into a relationship just like the one being portrayed in the book—at first I was all for it....and then I realized this guy will never change, and the mind games, manipulation and abuse will never stop. For example, if I wanted to spend time with my girlfriends, I “wasn’t” allowed; if I had family events to attend he would find an excuse for me not to go and then would try to buy my love by giving me lavish gifts to make up for it. Lastly, he controlled everything I ate, drank and wore. There’s much more that I could say about that relationship; however it would take a novel to explain the emotional and physical damage.

I want young girls and women to know that no matter how much you “love” a man, you can’t change or “fix him”. Especially if he’s abusive! This book should not be your ideal relationship because women who get treated like this in the real world don’t end up like Anastasia. The sad reality is they end up in woman protection shelters, witness protection programs, or on the run. The worst case is death. Books like these can and will shape social norms about normalization of relationships. This is wrong in many ways as it gives young girls and women the wrong idea of what a relationship should look like—it shows how violent relationships are formed. Authors who write books like these should do research and educate themselves on how narratives like these aren’t fantasies; they are all too real, and do exist.

Photo: Wix Media

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