By Reverend Mandolin Dutkiewicz
May 1, 2015
Why the Eight “I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts” is the Best Ethical Code For You
If you have been around the block a few times and studied up on the gospel of His Noodliness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you would be aware of the eight I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts. See, the story went down like this. Captain Mosey was beset with a horrid dichotomy. To his great chagrin, he lacked a pirate ship on which to Captain! After much deliberation, he ascended Mount Salsa in order to contemplate life, gather a wonderful view, and possibly garner a new ship. During a rather long spurt of thought, His Noodliness descended from the magnificent beer-strewn heaven above and granted Captain Mosey the eight I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts on ten stone slabs. Clumsiness abound in his eagerness, Captain Mosey shattered two in a saddening happenstance down the mountain, which brought about the number to the current eight.
The first of these comman– I mean, I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts is “I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou A** When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don’t Believe In Me, That’s Okay. Really, I’m Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn’t About Them So Don’t Change The Subject.” This IRRYD (shortened for your reading pleasure) describes not being the individual who needs to shove one’s religion down another person’s throat. This can be applied to all manner of beliefs, not just religion; ethics, just as religion, does not always have a legal connotation. One can live a healthy and fruitful life without a humanistic deity watching their every movement, which is why one needs a Flying Spaghetti Monster (or FSM for more shortening pleasure). Break out the Crisco! And just like Crisco, one should let all the oils and dirt of unnecessary input fall off of them!
On to numero dos! “I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don’t Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People”. Dogma is for the dogs when it comes to His Noodly Goodness. He is the neutral party in all of this; he goes neither way on the spectrum of sin versus virtue. Why use an idea as a shield and a reason to spread your hate? Accept that part yourself with open arms, laugh with it, and be responsible! Then get some much needed help for your repressed self-loathing and keep the nasty and grimey comments to yourself. As for the sacrifices, all our food is organic and living, so really. . . We are already ingesting a sacrament of His Noodliness. No harm, no foul.
Bring on the third! “I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey – Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We’re Talking About Fashion And I’m Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.” If His Noodliness had created us in His image, we would be applying parmesan cheese (or soy, trying to include everyone here) in our hair daily, needing our meatballs re-sauced every so often. Everyone is how they are or are going to be. Everyone on every part of every spectrum is within their right to do and behave as they please as long as they are not intruding on another person’s life, limb, eyesight, or pursuit of happiness. Bringing back Dogma, the neutrality of the FSM is prevalent in our daily lives!
Halfway there after this one! Keep attached to your seats, Pirates and Pirate-Ladies! Four: “I’dReally Rather You Didn’t Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go F*** Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.” Back to the neutral preference of our great Noodly Father. Give each other some sanctity with livelihood. Get permission and accept that things are done the way they are and nothing is going to change that. Be legal about it, too! If a third party doesn’t like the first two’s consenting action, the third doesn’t have to watch. Simple as that.
“I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*******.” Number five shows us that we can be coherent and calm after a few minutes of thought and a big bowl of ramen before exploding into an emotional mess over someone’s unwanted comments. No need to just shoot one’s mouth off the second someone says/does something that violates IRRYD’s three and four. After this food and secluded-brain-time, one can pull the individual aside, calmly and intelligently berate them for their transgression, and send them on their merry way with a better understanding of how life works in the vastness of the universe. Their negative thought process is about as popular as stepping on plug prongs for the vacuum cleaner that took their head-rocks not too long ago.
Number six, almost there! “I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):
1. Ending Poverty
2. Curing Diseases
3. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable
I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.” Large and extravagant statues and building are not necessary when one has a 39 cent bowl sitting in front of them that perfectly represents His Noodliness in all his perfect neutrality. Ending poverty, especially here in the States, sounds amazing.
Oh snap, number seven! “I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You’re Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can’t You Take A Hint?” His Neutral Noodliness throws reality in all faces. He did not make us in His image, therefore, we are just his ant collection–his amusing and fun ant collection–with His Holy Pirates, too.
Finally, the culminating IRRYD “I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If the Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It’s A Piece of Rubber. If I Didn’t Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.” Interest partakes interest, be safe about it! This final piece shows us that we should behave and respect each other’s wants and desires no matter the fickle or prominent. It is all about humanity’s capacity for tolerance.
These IRRYDs are an ethical code one should follow because, in reality, they are the basic rules of kindness and tolerance. Slowly are we coming out of our old unseparated ways of church and state, slowly are we coming to terms with the reality of the people we share “home” with, and slowly are we giving any thought to maybe, these people are consciously existing just as we are. They, too, are the “chosen one” in their own first person stories and would like to be treated and respected as such. They are not necessarily a right or a wrong, being there is no dogma within the IRRYDs, just simple guidelines for humanity to show the FSM that they are truly a good people. Not just the FSM either. Each other, in the end, is the main goal. Let people live they way they want so long as they do not violate what it means to exist peacefully, it is not that hard when it all comes down to it. Just be yourself and give everyone else the chance to be themselves, too.
Image Copyright © By Arne Niklas Jansson “Touched by His Noodly Appendage” 2013